


when i feel it too

by littlelooneyluna



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, M/M, daddy!Robron, it may make you cry a little ... soz, rob/sarah feels!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 06:30:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13048428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: robert is involved in a car accident and it draws up suppressed emotions about his mother and her death.





	when i feel it too

**Author's Note:**

> it may make you cry ... sozza.

 

It's nearly three, and he's promised Aaron that he'll be there at the gates like any other parent.

He's been working too hard recently, and that always equates to not seeing his own kids enough and that makes everything die inside him a little.

Especially when Aaron's reminding him mid-argument, or over tea, or down the road. He's always sad when he says it too, and Robert feels like someone's scooping up his guts and slamming them against the floor whenever he does it.

Robert feels pressure throb against his head, the blare of the traffic light just in front of him is enough to make him wince. But then it's flashing green and he's revving down on the engine and -

He misses the maniac on the other side of the road, the one who thinks they can make it in time before Robert pulls ahead.

He's thrown backwards, the sound of metal crashing against metal and this heat rising in his head as he slams against the pavement over and over again.

His eyes flicker, this need to scream travels through him as he lays there amongst the wreckage.

The last thing he sees is Aaron's face on his phone, he's ringing him and -

He's late to pick up the kids.

 

 

::

 

 

Aaron's proud of himself, he really is.

Because despite being _that_ bit younger and well, not a woman, he's managed to be welcomed in to the whole 'Mums Society' at Jacob and Annie's school.

He stands there with them almost every day, chatting about how fit Mr Palmers is, how much school trips are and what's allowed for lunch boxes these days and it makes him smile in some strange way.

"Where's your Robert then?" One of them asks, Angela, she's got a son in Jacob's class called Ben who only makes Jacob even more of a little terror.

Aaron pulls a face and then he's rolling his eyes. "Don't even ask, he said he'd make it but ..." he looks down at his watch, he's got three minutes until the gates open.

Angela smiles at him. "Ah, well he's a busy man isn't he?" She says and Aaron sighs.

He knows all this, he knows that Robert works so fucking hard for _them_ , to make Jacob and Annie happy and settled and not want for anything, but recently it's been even worse.

He's hardly seen them before their tucked up in bed and Aaron's been overthinking shit and wondering if Robert's trying to pull away from them or something like that.

"I know." He says lowly, "But so am I." He stresses, the scrapyard isn't as demanding sure but, he still works there.

Karen gets caught up in asking how it's going and Aaron indulges her before the gates fly open and Jacob runs out like a mad man.

It's the middle of January, fucking freezing but Jacob's got his fleece half way down and his trousers turned up like shorts. Aaron's eyes widen in embarrassment and then he's calling him over.

The other mums absolutely adore Jacob, because he speaks and he isn't shy and he can actually hold a conversation up without stuttering.

They love him because he's Robert.

"What you playing at kid?" Aaron's bending down to his level and zipping up his fleece, pulling his coat over his little arms and then pulling down his trousers for him. "You'll _freeze_."

Jacob's eyes widen, "Grandad Jack Frost!" He jumps up quickly and Aaron's heart warms, because Jacob's made a whole world of his own and it involves a grandad he didn't get to meet with powers.

It makes Aaron smile, and then he's watching Annie skip towards them. She's only three, so soft and sweet and has her coat done up, lilac scarf wrapped around her neck tightly.

"Why didn't you wait for her?" Aaron's asking, pointing towards Annie as she comes towards him and hugs at Aaron's frame.

Jacob shrugs his shoulders. "Too slow." He says before grabbing Annie's little hands and whizzing them round the playground.

Lucy laughs, and her boy Daniel is an angel compared to them. He's by her side waiting for them to go home.

"Thought they were supposed to use up all their energy at school." Aaron says, waving his arms around and then sighing.

"Where's daddy giant?" Jacob's asking, jumping up Aaron's leg and frowning when Aaron hesitates.

"He's - he uh -"

" _Working_." Annie says slowly as she looks at her brother and Aaron sighs hard before bringing his phone out.

He's ringing him and it goes to answer phone. And then he's waiting around for a bit, speaking some more to Angela before he's trying again and the phone is answered.

"Hello?" It's a woman's voice and Aaron's heart drops for just a second before -

"Who's this?" Aaron's breathing out slowly and then he hears the sound of rushed feet and a child crying.

"Is this Mr Dingle?" He hears and his face pales.

"Yeah, yeah what's - has something happened?"

And all he hears is Car Crash, Blood Loss and As Fast As You Can Get Here.

"Yeah." He blurts out, "I'm coming." He says heavily, eyes watering suddenly and Angela frowning at him.

"Rob's had a car crash." He says, watches Annie and Jacob play and tries to stop panicking. "I need - he - I -" he's a mess, can't breathe right and then Angela's promising to take the kids back to hers and he's managing to tell them that he needs to go and help daddy and they buy it.

 

 

::

 

 

Aaron runs almost the whole way there, his lungs screaming out for air but he doesn't listen. He's there, he's standing outside and then he's asking for news, for _help_.

"Robert Sugden. He - I need to see him, please I -" Aaron's practically sobbing and then a nurse tries to calm him down. "He's my husband, we've - we've got little kids, I -" he gulps hard and then the nurse directs him to a room and he sees Robert laying there.

"He had a nasty knock to his head." The nurse says, "It took a while to stop the bleeding. And he bruised two of his ribs but besides from that, he's fine."

Aaron leans against the wall and tries to calm himself down, "So he's -"

"He's going to be fine love." She says and then she opens the door for him to go through.

Aaron practically falls into the room, feet taking him to where Robert. His eyes are closed and he looks so pale and fragile.

Aaron kisses his forehead and shudders softly against him.

"Hey you." Aaron's delicate hands fall over Robert's face as Robert's eyes flicker open. "You scared the _life_ out of me." He says, chin wobbling.

Robert blinks. "Sorry." He mumbles and Aaron just smiles before he's looking right at his husband and seeing that he doesn't actually look that bad. He's got a cut on his head, what looks like a black eye forming under his life eye but -

He looks alive.

"Don't apologise." He says, pats down on Robert's head and then hitches his breath, "How did it -"

Robert can see the car suddenly, and he battles against the need to wince. "Came out of nowhere." He mumbles.

Aaron feels tears fall down his face. "I was - was ringing you, did I - was it because I was -" and he drops his hand from Robert's face, pulls it over his mouth instead. "I'm -

Robert reaches out and takes Aaron's hand. "No." He shakes his head, "I just - it wasn't anyone's fault but them." He gulps and then he sees the absolute panic written over Aaron's face. He wants to melt it away. "Look, I'm fine." He says, smiles even.

Aaron frowns a little. "They said that - that you hurt your head." He says, as way of explaining that Robert is _not_ fine.

Robert blinks. "I was in a car crash." He says dryly and then he sees that Aaron's still so shaken up by it. He pulls him close. "I'm good." He says and then his eyes widen. "The kids?" He's asking, doesn't want them _here_.

"With Angela." Aaron whispers, "They're fine, I promise. Just think I'm helping you out." He says and then he kisses Robert slowly. "I love you so much." He says and Robert strokes his arm.

"I know." He says, after all these years, he knows that more than anything else really. "Go." He blurts out and Aaron frowns at him. "They said I had to stay tonight but - but I want you home with the kids. Annie will worry otherwise."

Aaron knows it's true, he really does because she's such a little worry pot and she hates being away from her parents.

"I want to be here." Aaron says firmly though, pulls a soft hand through Robert's hair as he speaks.

Robert smiles faintly. "I know. But -"

Aaron nods. "Okay." He says, kisses Robert on the lips and then pulls away a little. "You call me if -"

"Yeah." He whispers, and then Aaron's slowly going towards the door and saying that he loves Robert and -

He's gone and Robert is struggling to breathe.

 

 

::

 

 

"So where is daddy?" Annie's asking as Aaron puts her to bed, she's asked four times since bath time and her chin wobbles more every time she does.

Aaron pushes the covers over her little frame and gently strokes her hair. "He's feeling better at the hospital with the nice nurses remember?"

She nods her head slowly and then pouts. "Hospitals are scary." And she's got all his insecurities, he wants to melt them away, feels the way Robert must do when it comes to him.

"Daddy isn't scared, I promise." He says and then she holds him close and he's going downstairs to where Adam is.

"Hey, you like done in." Adam's frowning and then Aaron gulps hard, feels something almost _awful_ race through him and his face must give it away because Adam frowns at him. "Aaron?"

Aaron closes his eyes, feels his heart thump out of his chest. "Something doesn't feel -" and then his phone is ringing and -

"Hello?" He says, and the nurse is down the phone telling him that they can't seem to settle Robert, that he's had a panic attack and he -

"I'm coming."

 

 

::

 

 

He can hear Robert's ragged breath from outside the room, he feels something twist in his heart and when he comes through the door Robert is sitting up in bed with his head in his hands.

A nurse keeps telling him to calm down, only he can't and -

"Hey." Aaron says, catches Robert's hands and the nurse smiles at him before telling him that she's outside if he needs her help. "Hey hey, it's okay." He's whispering, and then he's got a hand pressed against Robert's hair. It's flat against his forehead and he's sweating, shuddering against Aaron.

"Nearly - nearly died." He keeps saying it and Aaron keeps trying not to fucking fall apart because he knew he shouldn't have left Robert, he knew he wasn't well enough and now -

"You didn't. You - it's okay." Aaron whispers. "Rob, babe, lay down for me. Your ribs are -" and Robert's already winces and falling against the sheets with a soft swoop. "There you go." Aaron says, feels so far out of his depth that a part of him wants to run. He won't though, he could never run from Robert.

Robert huffs out a breath and he feels Aaron almost everywhere, feels _safe_.

"It's okay." Aaron whispers, keeps whispering, only -

"It's not." Robert butts in, palms clammy and tears filling his eyes as he sees twists his lip. "I was _hit_ , and I was just - just laying there." He moves his chest up and down quickly.

"Should have been there." Aaron says passionately, presses a kiss to Robert's head and then waits for him to say something else.

"And I thought I was - I was _dying_ and -"

"You weren't, they said it wasn't as bad as -"

"It was for her." It slips out without warning, without any tenderness. He's thinking about it one minute and blurting it out the next, because - "Mum died, and I finally know how she felt and I -" he raises his head and then he's falling into Aaron's chest and feeling the weight of his husband envelope around him.

Aaron doesn't know what to say, all he knows is that this is the most painful thing Robert's ever had to go through and he can't take that away.

Robert has tears rolling down his face, clings tighter and then breathes out slowly. "I kept thinking about the _kids_ , she must have too. She must have been so terrified about - about not seeing us grow up." His chin wobbles. "She must have known that there wasn't a way out." He frowns. "At one point, she must have just given in and - and accepted that her kids would grow up without her and -"

Aaron wipes the tears out of his eyes, can't imagine ever having to do that with Jacob and Annie.

"For a minute, that's what I was doing." Robert admits into the sheets. "I was thinking about - about little Annie, and - our boy, they - they'd forget me."

"Like I'd let them." Aaron holds Robert closer, tears falling down his face and yeah it's all fucking morbid but Robert needs to know all this. That much is clear.

Robert thinks about his mother, sees her soft silhouette in the corner of the kitchen, humming along and washing cutlery as he hips swing a little.

But he can't remember anything more vividly than that.

"Aaron?" Robert gulps hard. "I can't really remember what she smelt like. Or how she spoke." He shudders, "That's so _awful_." He says, misery sweeping through him and she's just there in his mind, so motherly, so kind and he keeps losing her again and again.

Aaron's heart breaks, "She's looking down now, and she doesn't mind. Because - because she knows that you loved her." He blurts out, hands falling over Robert's face.

"Loved her so much." Robert says, winces a little. "She would have loved you so much too, so much." He says heavily, "And - our _babies_ ," he feels his head grow heavy, and Aaron senses his dizziness, his drowsiness from the drugs and he kisses his head.

"Sleep." Aaron says, pulls the covers up over them and slides into the bed. Robert nuzzles his head into Aaron's chest and then he's asking about the kids and Aaron reassures him. "I - Adam was home, he's looking after them." He says. "It's fine."

And he has to wipe a tear from his face as he sees how small and vulnerable his brilliant husband can be, how much his mother not being a part of his life has effected him.

"Please stay." He says, because he doesn't want to close his eyes and wake up without Aaron by his side. He doesn't want to sleep himself away.

"Of course I will." Aaron promises gently, stroking Robert's arm. "Come on, I'm right here, close your -"

"I'm scared." Robert admits, "If I close my eyes I might -"

And Aaron kisses him hard, knocks the air out of Robert and wants to apologise for it but then Robert's pushing against him and everything settles around them.

When Robert comes up for air, Aaron's hand is in his and -

He sleeps.

 

 

::

 

 

The sky is an off grey, clouds forming above them, but it doesn't set the mood or anything.

Annie's on Aaron's hip, too old to hang there but she's almost too young for her mind and knows that Aaron might need hugs right now too.

Jacob's got the flowers in his hands and jumps forward to place them down on the grave.

"Here you go." He shouts, makes the birds above fly away and Aaron's looking so sorry.

"Oi you nutter, she can hear you, you don't need to shout." Aaron's telling him.

"But she's so _far_ away." Jacob pouts and then he's looking up at his father.

"No she's not." Robert says, bends down and holds Jacob by his little hands. "She's right here." He whispers, points to Jacob's heart and then Annie's snaking down Aaron and toddling towards Robert. "She's here for you too princess." She smiles at him. "Nanny always will be." Robert sniffs, and then Aaron's rubbing at his back.

"And she loves you, just like nanny Chas does." Aaron promises them, feels something tingle through him as Annie leans forehead and places her little hand against the headstone.

It makes Robert nearly cry and then Jacob's doing the same as his little sister and everything is so soft and quiet for a second or two. And he knows, despite how terrified she must have been, how she must have wanted to cry over never being able to see her children have children of their own -

She's smiling, must be, out there, up in the sky or wherever.

And Robert smiles too.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> let me know if you liked it if you have the time! xo


End file.
